Fortune-Cookies die, Fortune-Beers are born

My dear friend J-Ro turned 30 this weekend and, inspired by her use of clever/cutting phrases in her jewlery, I decided to make her a bunch of subversive fortune cookies as a birthday gift.

My plan was to hand said treats out at ther 30th bday shindig.

My plan was cruelly thwarted by the fact that the recipe I used for fortune cookies was BULLSHIT. Despite desparate variations in temperature, cooking time, and voodoo spells murmured over the dough, the cookies refused to fold up into little shrimps, instead breaking into tasty but fortuneless bits.

Oh well. Fortune cookies aren't really Chinese anyway - they were invented in SanFrancisco in the 1920s. Hippy Bullshit. Fuck 'em.

In the face of this giant adversity, I invented a new, fabulous, treat: Fortune-Beers!

Much more user friendly: simplly fold fortunes and slip them under the tab of a can of beer! Voila - an american invention born in Brooklyn, in 2006!

Here's the fortunes that graced cans of Bud Light at J-ro's 30th:

"Jessie is hotter than you,
even though she’s old now."

"I’ll show you a happy birthday.
Bend over."

"You are in charge of Jessie’s spanking."

"Are you sure you deserve this beer?
(132 calories, fatty)"

"You were obviously a pity invite."

"Even cock teases get birthdays."

"This means Jessie’s parents had sex."

"Jessie wants a unicorn for her birthday.
By unicorn, she means anal."

"No present = no fun touch."

"Jessie is hotter than you,
even though she’s drunk now."

"Nice party dress. NOT!"

"Are you sure you deserve that slice of cake?"

"Who invited you?"

"You will not get laid tonight."

"She loves you not."

"Quit flirting with him, slut!"

"It’s her birthday and she’ll drink
dish soap if she wants to."
(This one's a long story)

"You dirty! You dirty! You dirty!"

"I saw you do that. You’re dirty."

"Someone here wants to teach
you a lesson."